I was 20 and had just moved to Los Angeles, and I was sitting at the kitchen table with my aunt reading her some of my poetry. We were catching up, it had been years since I’d seen her last before I’d gotten here and stayed with her for a little while. I remember she chuckled and said, “I wrote things like that when I was your age.” I asked her why she didn’t anymore, and she replied “It just changes. It stops feeling that way and it’s not much to write about.”

I thought that she sounded jaded, maybe a little sad. It depressed me and I vowed to never let that become of me. To never let my life experiences make me unappreciative of the luster there is in life. And to never stop writing about it.

It’s been a decade since then. Saturday was my birthday, technically at 1:45am. I stayed up Friday night and watched the minutes on the clock tick away my 20′s and I felt… excited. Proud. Like I had accomplished something. I was feeling kind of nostalgic and introspective, and I pulled out this bag I have full of journals and books of writing from my childhood. I sat and read through a lot of it and remembered me… then.

It’s been interesting to observe the reactions of people when I’ve said I’m turning 30. My friends mother said she actually cried all day on her 30th birthday. Maybe I am missing something, but can someone explain to me why? Is there some kind of panic that I should be feeling that I’m not? Am I deluding myself?

Sometimes I think I just see the world in a way that makes it so that I don’t get this kind of thing at all. It just isn’t even within my comprehension. Why would turning any age effect someone in that kind of way? It kind of made me feel uncomfortable. I didn’t quite know what to say. Do so many people really place such value and meaning on youth?

Of course they do:

According to CosmeticDesign.com the Packaged Facts Report states that the overall skincare market is estimated to currently stand at $5.8 billion and is expected to increase by leaps and bounds in the future. The company states that it will reach $115.5 billion by 2010. It is said that anti-aging products will continue to act as industry leader with an annual growth rate of 11.3% being expected by 2010 – which is among the highest growth rates for the skincare industry as a whole. (via)

What is startling to me though, is that the concern seems to be external, and about the more shallow aspects of aging… where there seems to be no concern about how their souls, their very spirits are aging by accepting that way of thought.

I haven’t had the expectations for my life to have a conventional relationship, a conventional marriage, a conventional job, a conventional family… What does that even mean anymore? My grandparents have been married for 55 years. It’s a beautiful thing, to see them and understand what they have with each other. They show me that the idea is not impossible. However the fact remains that they were from a different time, a different world. A different society entirely, with different expectations.

The truth is, I have no idea what I want anymore, and I am comfortable with that. There is nothing solid to use as an example at this stage of my life. In the most ideal situation I would want to create something… unique with someone. I don’t believe in obligation, and I think the road to hell is paved with expectations, not good intentions. It’s easier said than done in the sense that society has hammered these false examples into our heads in so many ways that it’s a conscious effort to not fall into the patterns that are programmed into us. The most genuine experiences of my life, the most fulfilling, have taken place like a spur of the moment road trip: no maps, no destination in sight.

They say it’s about the journey, after all. Yet so very many of us seem to want to know the destination ahead of time in all areas of our lives. On some level we’re all guilty of it. I remember laying on my bed in my childhood room, staring off into the future, planning it all out. I would graduate from college at 21, be married by 25, have my first child by 30… my sister, who is currently 17, has similar plans. Having just turned 30, I shiver recalling these fantasies and am truly grateful my life didn’t pan out that way. So much of it is about perception: at 12 years old, 30 seems ancient. My sister asks why I’m not married already, and don’t I want kids?

Expectations. Not just the ones we have for ourselves, but those others have for us as well. Should I be married by now? Should I have a child by now? According to whose plan? And… why? And if I don’t… should I feel trepidation about turning 30?

I feel like my 20′s was spent building a stable foundation for the next decade to be built upon. My future is unmapped territory. I don’t want to limit the possibilities by imposing expectations on it. I don’t want a conventional marriage but I do want a meaningful connection to someone. I don’t want a conventional job but I do want to contribute something to the world that fulfills me and inspires people. I do want a family of my own, but I simply can’t fathom how it will take shape.

I don’t feel like I am running out of time. I feel like I am at the beginning of another plateau. Comfortable in my skin, a lack of expectation is not a lack of direction. What I follow… is my heart.

My expectations may have changed but I wouldn’t consider myself jaded. I consider myself liberated by the shaking loose of conventions, by the shedding of the skin. I still see romance, beauty, and limitless bountiful possibilities in the world. I still feel inspired to write, to think, to analyze it all. I still write poems about life and love and lust and the world around me because it all still touches me like it did when I was reading to my aunt. I haven’t changed: my perspectives have.

Why do so many, especially women, mourn their youth? Youth was a beautiful yet tough time. So very much trial and error, so many mistakes to make and learn from. At this stage, the prospect of applying it all excites me and leaves me feeling like as we age things get easier in some ways, where new challenges will also arise to teach us what we need to know to evolve to whatever it is is next for us in life. I value my growing up years, but I am also glad they are behind me. We shouldn’t mourn our youth: we should celebrate it and do our best to hold on to the ideals that make us who we are without limiting ourselves by societal conventions that are a setup for disappointment.

It’s time to start thinking outside the box.