When we are deeply wounded at a young age, we cannot handle the pain, so we find ways to dissociate from the intense feelings. Then, later in life, especially when we fall in love, these old wounds can get activated. Our beloved gets angry, withdraws, gives attention to someone else, says mean things, doesn’t tell the truth, doesn’t stand up for us, comes home late, wanders away in a crowded public place, misunderstands us, and so on – and suddenly the pain that has been pushed aside all these years comes roaring to the surface. We think that we are reacting to the present situation, but what is really happening is that the old, unhealed abandonment wound has been triggered. We might find ourselves suddenly enraged or falling apart with intense tears. Our reaction seems too big for the situation, yet we cannot seem to stop the inner pain. We might start to shake violently as the old terror finally erupts.

Healing the abandonment wounds does not happen overnight, yet it does not have to take years either. Step one is to tune into your feelings with a willingness to take responsibility for your pain. Once you are aware that deep pain has been activated, seek the help of someone who can hold you and nurture you while you go into the abandonment pain.

Being there for your wounded child will gradually heal the abandonment wounds. Ignoring your feelings, trying to make them go away, or trying to get someone else to take them away will only serve to re-wound you. It is only when you no longer abandon yourself that the old wounds begin to heal. Eventually, another’s behavior that previously triggered your intense reaction will no longer do so. You may feel sad or lonely when a loved one gets angry or withdraws in some way, but as long as you continue to show up for yourself, the intense pain will not be there. And as long as they are truly worthy of your love, they will understand with empathy and admiration, the work you have done inside. They will love you more for it, respect you more for it, and they won’t leave your side through the process, even though they have been hurt. To love is to forgive. And we have all needed to be forgiven at times. That is why the primary relationship is the most powerful arena for healing there is.

- Margaret Paul, Ph.D.